I just woke up from a nap where I was in an art gallery with an old friend. A friend I’ve had a crush on for years. He is seeing someone seriously now. He was seeing someone seriously when I first starting having a crush on him. In the middle of those two people we informally dated, had sex and I stopped crushing on him immediately. Yes the sex was that bad and in general he is a lame. Time has elapsed and I am crushing on him again. I’ve convinced myself that the sex with him was not that bad (oooooooh it was worse than you can imagine) and that sex isn’t that important to me. Somewhere waaaaaaaay deep in my brain I’ve convinced myself that this man is marriage material even though in the forefront of my brain. I KNOW HE IS A LAME and I LIE TO MYSELF.
Why do I do it to myself???
Rewind back to the dream: He is leaving the art gallery and I am watching him walk out. I am not sad. Just observing him and the art. He says “Because your afraid your not going to find a husband.” I say “Afraid? I’m terrified!” The feeling washes over me that I am terrified that I won’t be married again one day.
I wake up
This terrified sensation is one that I feel often. Its a feeling I feel daily but never as intense as in the dream because in my waking life I won’t allow it. I wont face it. I lie to myself.
I have been single for a solid 4 years. FOUR SOLID YEARS ladies and gentlemen. For some this might not seem like a huge deal but since I was 13 years old I’ve had a boyfriend. When one was fired another one took his place within 3 months. Men and relationships were like city buses to me…another one will come in 15 min. I never worried about finding a man. I worried about choosing the right one. But now…I have found no one that I can say I’ve truly connected with in all these years. I have tried! I’ve been set up by friends. I’ve online dated. I’ve met a tow truck driver at the tow facility where I was taking a client to get her car.
SideNote: The tow truck man wanted me to meet him on his route and watch movies with him in his truck! What the F*^K!!!! I will never forget him.
I’ve gone to psychics. I’ve asked friends to set me up with their boyfriend’s brother, nephew, SON EVEN. I’ve acted like I was gonna be celibate, thinking I would attract a mate. NOPE! just horney and alone! I give old boyfriends second chances…we all know how that ends up. The reason I left them reveals itself within weeks of reintroduction and I’m scrambling trying to figure out a nice exit plan AGAIN.
The last real connection I had with a man was a five year relationship of disaster that ended in 2009. We were two exposed electric wires that touched on a stormy summer day. We continue to love one another with much electricity but from far far away so we don’t get burned. The friendship is much better than the love relationship.
I don’t just want a boyfriend or a “man.” I want connection. I’ve experienced the kind of connection with a man that people make movies about. I’ve experienced the passion and the telepathy with a person that poems and novels are written about. I’m afraid I will never have that again. I know I can get a very loyal and sweet boyfriend. But that deep and unexplainable connection is what I am afraid I will never find again.
This type of afraid makes me anxious. It makes me impatient with God and my Ancestors. Sometimes (dare I say it) it makes me a bitter black woman!!!!! So I continue to meditate on my own self worth. I meditate on just being still. By “being still” I mean NOT searching for Mr. Right in the guy at the liquor store, or in one of my exe’s or the tattooed waiter at P.F. Chang (and being disappointed when the waiter is totally gay). When I am not meditating I pray (“Please Lord not another tow truck fiasco), have sex (with others or with myself), celebrate life with friends and most of all, have gratitude in every form.
In my moments of meditation I get clarity. I get clear that today is today. Today is a small moment in time that I can get some really great things done in my life. That a relationship may not come for years (GASP!!!) but during that time I will have a life well lived and beautiful stories to tell my Love. Whoever the man is that is preparing for me I know he is living a splendid and adventurous life without me right now because if he isn’t….I’m not even gonna be attracted to him (ha! the irony)
Deep. I feel you. Honesty hurts and yet…deep.