I was forced to stop eating sugar for one week. Doctors orders so that I could get accurate test results on my next visit. I thought I was gonna die. No sugar, not even fruit for seven days. That means no wine, no cereal, no raisins, no honey, no sanity for one week. I got light headed. I was lethargic. I was nauseous at times. I woke up early and went to bed early. I had horrible vivid dreams. I was irritable.
And I started telling the truth
Yup. I started telling people exactly what was on my mind and in my heart. It was amazing. Because I wasn’t high on my happy drug of refined crack a.k.a sugar, I spoke from my gut. I didn’t have the patients to lie. I didn’t have the forethought to be obsessively and unnecessarily polite.
After a clients long rant about her mate and their obvious incompatibility. One loves to meditate, practice yoga and party. The other likes x-box and doesn’t drive a car. I asked her casually as I scrolled thru my instagram feed on my phone, I didn’t even look up as I asked, “This person who loves to sit at home and plays xbox all day, is this your partner?” Her:”Yes and I don’t know what to do”. Me:”Make her NOT your partner.” I looked up, she looked shocked and a little sad.
An ex-boyfriend who was an abusive partner to me and is an abusive partner to his current girlfriend texts me “I am sitting here laughing because its all I can do to mask the pain of my situation” and then sends me a photo of a 42″ flat screen television with 80% of the screen broken because his 120 pound girlfriend broke it after an argument where he admits he was verbally abusive (which means he was also physically abusive ). I text him back “LMAO”, then “Negro fuck a T.V. Grow up and move forward. In your career, in your love life, etc. Just grow up” I realized through that conversation that me and this man should never be friends. Not true friends in the sense of reciprocity. Why did it take me almost 8 years to figure this out? Pancakes.
Yes PANCAKES!!! Ya’ll know I love me a pancake, waffle and a side of french toast. Lots of butter and Karo syrup, please and thanks.
I love sugar. Sugar has helped me mask so much pain. It helps me get high and forget that my ex-boyfriend is an abusive narcissistic jerk. It has helped me listen to my clients “respectfully” as they tell me about how they hate their jobs and can’t find good schools for their kids…as if this was world changing news. I really wanna scream “Find your passion lady. GOD DIDN’T SEND YOU HERE TO SIT IN THE SUBURBS AND COMPLAIN.” When the entire salon is talking about Scandal I drink my green drink LOADED with “natural” sugars and act like I care about Olivia Popes coats and Daddy Popes monologues.
A good funnel cake will keep me from being afraid. I can focus on the fried goodness with powdered crack on the top and not have to worry about all the messages I’m getting from the Divine. When I am in a crowd of people I can focus on my cake and not the woman 3 feet from me who I know needs to talk to me about how her mom just died, she is about to graduate college and how she feels lost in the world. Nope! I got my funnel cake lady…ain’t nobody got time for that! That funnel cake makes me appear be a normal woman with a blond afro and crazy leggings at the carnival instead of the Voodoun priestess that I am.
This addiction to sugar gives me so much compassion for addicts. Crackheads, alcoholics, fashionistas, overweight people, anorexics, intellectuals, netflix binge watchers and overachievers. I get it. We all have something to hide. We are all trying to cover-up some form of self hate, self loathing or issue we can’t seem to solve mentally.
I am seeking balance with my pancake addiction. I’m not going to go cold turkey and act like I’m not going to eat french toast. But I am going to be more mindful of when I’m hiding. I am going to be mindful of my sugar intake as well as my meditation practice. My meditation and yoga gives me space daily for Spirit. Spirit gives me courage to tell the truth.