I had a dream about being on Crack. I saw myself taking the first hit, I saw myself addicted for two years and looked in the mirror and thought how ugly and old I looked and I wanted to stop. I saw myself beating the habit and walking away. I saw myself asking my friends and family to beat the drug…they simply didn’t want to.
My dream was about my own self worth and my addiction to romantic love.
I have issues with who I am. Like most women I worry about how pretty I am, not just to men but in comparison to the picture of the Indian woman I saw bathing in the Ganges River or the self help guru I watch online or that random girl on Instagram that is completely filtered to make her look like she has the most daring eyes and the clearest skin. I know about that filter cause I use it all the time! But I still compare myself to her.
I live in the cutest cottage in one of the hippest hipster neighborhoods in Atlanta. I drive an old school cadillac that my grandma used to drive when she was alive.(I have to add that I bought it off craigslist with only 68,000 miles and I paid cash for it!!! Cha-Ching! DEAL) I have a healthy teenage son that lives with his doting father and super sweet step mom…we all get along. My paternal Grandma is 76, alive, still my best friend and Skypes with me. My extended family is employed, healthy, young and fun. My friends live all over the country and if I decided to live a year without a house each one would offer their couch for many months for me to sleep on…thats how awesome they are!
But when I get in front of a crowd of people that I don’t know I become small, concerned and overwhelmed.
When I have to lead my business. I am afraid my employees won’t like me.
When I’m around Artist, I feel dumb…mainly cause I can’t draw. Crazy but true. Because I think the smartest and most beautiful thing you can do in the world is draw and then paint something that speaks to the world what God had you experience in order to unite the human experience.(my quick rant on the definition of art)
I think Love is safe. Its my answer to everything. If I’m in love I will escape my reality and be on the pink cloud of love where nothing ever touches me and nothing matters but my beloved and the world we create on that cloud. So I settle for less than I’m worth in exchange for the quick hit of being in Love.
I never ever think of what that exchange could mean. I jump in quick with a partner. I get basic answers to basic questions and if he answers right I trust what he says without proof and I fall in love. I don’t get scared of getting my heart broken. I don’t get scared that he won’t deliver on his promises. As a matter of fact I tend to think I can mend our hearts and I can fix his life spiritually or mentally so that he will deliver on his promises.
I have never looked for a man to add to my Spirit. NOT ONCE and I call myself a Spiritual woman. I have spent all my romantic years looking to be accepted because of my Spiritual practices, beliefs and general out of the boxness. So if a man just said “ok, your a voodoo priestess. Thats no problem.” I felt elated and immediately fell in love. It didn’t matter that intellectually and spiritually and most of the times financially he had nothing to add to my life. I had a BLACK AMERICAN MAN THAT WAS “OK” WITH VOODOO. (please feel free to replace Voodoo with whatever your insecurity is i.e. fat, three children, uneducated, ambitious, inability to draw)
So I am kicking crack!! Like all addictions I’m gonna take it one day at a time. I am going to busy myself with self centered activities like yoga and meditation and readings that help me focus on my own self worth. I am not going to accept lovers or a life partner that have nothing or very little to add to me. I will not accept employees or friends who have little to add or nothing to add to me.
I deserve it. My Ancestors deserve it. My son and family deserves it. Women all over the world deserve to have one woman in the world who models self worth and validation. I will be that woman