I’m a massive procrastinator. I pay bills on the date due or afterwards, not the day before. I pay tickets and fines the day they are due instead of weeks ahead. I know I have the money and the time. For example, one year I did not pay my auto registration for 10 months…YES, I was riding dirty for 10 months as a result, I got tickets in two Georgia counties for that hot mess. This procrastination isn’t because I’m lazy or because I don’t have lists or check them twice; it’s because I’m great! I’m Fuckin Kick ass awesome and I know it.
I was raised by a super organized, spiritually mature and resourceful mother. I know how to get shit done because Ms. Paula Jean taught me first hand. This lady gave birth to me at 18.From the time I was 5 until almost 30, I’ve been going to her college graduations. She taught me the virtue of responsibility and good credit. She used to wake me up at 4am if I didn’t do the previous nights chores. She always followed through on her word. I never remembered my mom going to a club, but I remember her working two jobs and going to school at the same damn time. She taught me real life responsibilities before I left her house. After I got my first car, that she made me earn 50% of the cost of, I applied for a credit card at Sears to cover the cost of the repairs such as tires and batteries. I was 16 years old and that credit card bill was never paid late. I paid everything for that car including insurance, gas, major repairs, etc. If she had to foot the bill for a new alternator on my car, I had to pay her back in weekly installments until it was paid off.
By the time I was 24, I had a credit score above 700, been married with a step child, given birth to a child myself, had a small stint as a housewife, gotten legally divorced with no muck and mire and graduated undergrad. So it’s safe to say, I rock at responsibility.
So about 5 years ago I said fuck it and stopped being responsible as I knew it.
I was a pillar of dotting my I’s and crossing my T’s. Till one day I said to myself… I’m over it. At work I’m reluctant to be the leader. In relationships I fail to communicate. In spiritual work I read books on self help. I feel good about myself after I read them and then act like a hermit instead of actively doing the work of helping others in the community. I don’t even answer phone calls. If you can’t text me or email me (and sometimes I will ignore those) I act like you don’t exist. I wait until I have nothing in my fridge but wine and baking soda before I go to the grocery store. I can’t preplan a date with my friends to save my life. I”m all about being spontaneous and seeing where the chips fall…even if they fall and bonk me on the head!
I’m not depressed. I’m not crazy. Ok maybe I am just lazy and playing the victim. Lazy at being me because I know when I do things I go 175 million percent and the results are GREAT. I’m lazy because the way I live my purpose and act out my purpose in life is changing and I don’t know exactly what that means. I don’t know where the road is going to take me. I’d rather stay on the road of control. I know how much the electric company charges for a late fee. I know how much the DMV charges when they revoke my license for failure to appear. I know my friends won’t disown me if I don’t show up. I know I can order take out if I don’t have food in the fridge. I don’t know what my responsibilities will be when I bring a sister circle together to talk about childhood issues and family curses. What will I discover about me. What will be my responsibility to the women in the circle. How much sleep will I lose trying to find them resources to help themselves and their families. How will I pay my own bills.
I write these blog posts when Im in the thick of the confusion because they bring me clarity. THIS TIME there is no special clarity. There is a voice that says…do it,do it, its what happiness looks like! Happiness to me is forging a new life path. It slightly changing what I do everyday to include helping women and men discover their best selves. I love connecting humans with the Divine within. I’m not exactly sure how this new path will look but I gotta stop procrastinating on what I feel God sent me to do.
Guess I gotta start paying my bills on time again too 🙂